inexpressable nervousness.

still chinese-new-year-ing. wanna fully utilise my 15days. seems like i wont be back celebrating cny the next three years!! sniff sniff.
the days to fly are drawing near. ask me why nervous? i dunno also, just nervous. like everything so new...maybe settled too long in kuching, abit lost in touch with the adventurous-daring-self.
like still so many things to get done, not enough time.
speechless.

10:10 FEEL GOOD TIME!! :)

sudden thoughts, sudden feelings =.=

"Thank you for passing my sms skills. So proud to know that i have improved. You see a little praise can elevate one to heaven sense! Ha ha. That's how our litte children feel dont forget - it's our only magic spell that works wonders. Glad you like the scarf, mummy is always there to keep you warm! bye love, mummy ju"-- 24.12.08
just suddenly missing you, mummy. during times when i needed somebody to understand my thoughts and some encouragement to move on, you'll always be in mind. how i miss your hug right now!

it has been quite long since i dreamt of dearest ahMah. but the scene aint good. wonder how life is heaven is. hope ahMah is all well up there. i miss you too, ahMah :* :*

"One lives in the hope of becoming a memory."
i dont call this greed. everyone wants to be and deserves to be remembered. no matter family or friends who are near or far, we still want to be remembered. we are so used to hiding our feelings, making ourselves so humble and all. but i still do agree that actions speak louder than words. we need to do something to let ppl know what we're thinking. where are YOU??? what is your weird mind thinking??! owh!

~~ dreams ~~

I look into the sky and what do i see?

A castle, a rainbow, and dreams for me.

I struggled through the days of being lonely,

Yet everywhere i go, there kindness is waiting for me.

I know my passion and direction,

And there's my persistence and determination.

I'm stepping into the battlefield to fight,

For my dream to come in real sight!

byebye 2008!

this new year's eve was rather calm. i chose to stay at home. mum wanted to eat out, but in the end us girls decided to just get something from outside and cook the rest. have a nice dinner at home rather than squeezing with the crowd, finding for a place to park and sit! it was a nice feeling having your clothes stained with the smell of the cooking oil, the heat coming out from the pans, the sound and scent once you throw something inside the wok.... and guess mommy has forgotten how wonderful it is for mother and daughter to be in the kitchen, preparing dishes for the family... i really miss that though i never told her. last time at Kenyalang, there was so much freedom we could be so ourselves, in our long-long-connected-rooms. it was small but it feels more like a real home....

new year resolutions? i never had that tradition only when i was forced to write an essay about it. haha.

but this coming 2009, study smart, work hard, play hard!
a new challenge, a new me:)

my vacation 15.12.08 - 24.12.08

my vacation is over. 9 days. over. these nine days were so so fully packed, meeting all different gangs of buddies. really do miss them all!! even accidentally got to meet my ex-kids and get a few more extra hugs, haha.
为了给自己一个答案,我居然答应了见他,一直以来就是需要这种肯定心里才会安心.我自己决定自己放弃很自私不公平但我还能怎样...你说我残忍我想太多我逃避我不给自己机会.你才是,这么固执!我真的不会处理善后,但真心希望你会过得好好的.我真的很好很好.
meeting mexen and yen next was a really nice feeling i dunno how to explain. it's like back to w-3years back, being in subang. we had the craziest moments together, taking the silliest pictures but enjoying ourselves so much. it felt like we were flying when we're at the cable car, then walking along the bridge. until almost when it's coming back from langkawi, can feel the tense situation like few years back also. im again in the middle. but it was ok after we got back in KL again. phew.
那晚跟璇在Bintang Walk喝星巴克绿茶冰沙,聊到不知天不知地,感觉好像以前半夜和奶茶聊心事,很温馨.聊到不想回酒店了.半夜在那两条街上半夜漫步,一点也不清静,超多人的!我们手牵手的就像小孩很舍不得隔天就分开.很多很多的秘密就只有你我知道.因为告诉你感觉最舒服了.想念你了.
then i met mummy ju. i called her mummy, for the first time after she acknowledged herself as mummy to me. it felt warm, it felt nice. it's her who always gives me that hug, the firm firm hug. it's our only magic that works wonders. yes mummy, i'll always remember:)
and jamie, i've always wanted a little sister when i was young. but never knew you could click to me so well. haha. learn to be yourself, dont force yourself too hard. you're good for who you are!! i always feel so "old" when i talk to you, cos you always make me give advices like these.........
wai nee, inn shin, thanks for helping:)
then i met saji. staying at her house was a total new experience. i felt at home, and it's some kind of feeling i desire to have at my own house... all to yourself. though i do not understand what they're talking when they started their Punjabi lah. haha. best college friend now, and also first friend inDIka. dunno why did WL avoid all of us for no reason at all!! thanks leng leng for meeting in a rush. and it was nice of christie to bring us to Asia Cafe. i really miss that place. hoho.
then all nine days were just gone like that. so fast. im back in kuching again. and i lost 2kg. hahaha. exhausted.

another christmas!!

looking at my profile pict right beside here, another christmas is already coming!!! last year 2007 i was excitedly exploring each malls in KL, comparing which has the most impressing atmosphere for christmas. and ended up i liked almost all as each of them gives me a different "wow" feeling. this year 2008, im creating my own atmosphere in school and my class, and trying to provide my kids with the most unforgettable xmas experience, and actually for the benefits of myself...these few last days in LL, i already miss them^.^ but... im still going to repeat last year's routine...hehehe...KL, wait for me!!! oh yah, and i just realised to be a handsome Santa, you really need the tummy!!! im still too thin for the costume. wakaka:D

12/12. again with departures. photo-shootings, huggings, kissings, partying and pressie-ing. it's my last day of official working day with the kids, and that feeling...so heavy. we had a meeting, when ms. tan gave everyone a mystery treasure hunt xmas pressie, unpredictably all handbags. from ms. tan??!! handbags mien!! so not her. and me, she said cos im leaving, i dont deserve to have one. she's been "bullying" me the whole day... until everyone got theirs, only she said there's another farewell gift. and there, i had mine. they all were expecting me to cry i think, cos they've seen me hugging the kids here and there the whole morning. but stiff-heart-angie, did really feel her heart pumping, beating faster and dripping inside, just that the tears usually are so brave they dont roll out. "issit good or bad" is no longer a question to ask, cos that's the inner uncontrollable angie.

but one thing, putting departures aside, i actually dont think i can really settle in one place for a long long time... it's always challenging to work in a whole new alien place, and when you finally get the smooth flow and the hang of it, it's time to leave and start a new life all over again. maybe it's because for the 3-4yrs i've been working, this has been my style. complaining is just to reease tension. but yah, i like new stuffs:) and i like what im doing. so yah, for the next 3years, i hope something special is waiting for me to venture!! a-boooo-kit!!!

any word that relates to "FRUST"!!!!

GKO is making me SO ANGRY!!! im gnashing my teeth. frustrated. irritated. infuriated. annoyed. maddened. exasperated. furious. enraged. outraged. cheesed off!!! and i wanna eat CHEESE!!!!!! why no cheese at home???

dreaming of you..........

i woke super early today, wanting to wash my hair...but i fell back, and there you appeared in my dream! i noticed you but was half hiding away from you, but you saw me and excitedly called me, then i was in a rush running off telling you that we shall meet again soon. sometimes i feel that dreams are really amazing, making a person so damn creative! well, in this case, does it sub-conciously reminds me that i'm missing you? actually i am... sigh sigh sigh. so are you gonna appear soon or will you keep me wait-wait-waiting? i grrrr u.

self-indulgements? heh:>

can you imagine having strong water for bathing after 3days? i nearly wanted to shower forever. it just felt so refreshing, so nice. scrub with Satsuma till bubbles froth, and the scent, ever so relaxing! for the past few days it just felt like camping, but there, many amusing camping memories came to mind. i miss camping laaa....

i went shopping alone after work last monday. and i bought a pair of heels and a purply-pinky shirt. hehe. then i saw my heels in the magazine that day. it just looked wonderful, and that feeling??? shuang dao. haha. alone time is needed sometimes:)

did hair rebonding. miss that feeling of waking up and not combing your hair. haha. lazy bum. hahaha. well it feels smooth, but abit flat, and it still stinks, but yah, overall i like the texture of it. just that it's not very obedient now due to its length...

要怎样告诉你啊~?！怎么说都不懂！傻的呀？？

越不想伤害你，越像是会伤你更深。你说你现实，我说你不实际；你说我还小不懂事，我说你这么大了还这么天真。你想要的我给不到也给不了，我真正需要的你却满足不了我。你说的话我有点听烦了，我想说的你又好像没兴趣听，说了你又好像一窍不通。我不能理解你，你也无法了解我。喜欢一个人哪有这么简单啊？！你是怎么想的呀~~~？？

babehs!!!!!

i really miss those times with my bestest friends, having the craziest laughters ever. i call those original special moments? what a phrase, haha. in KL, we have original special moments too, but there are also self-created special moments, and college mates sometimes share more stuffs cos we all stay together and share secrets during late nights. in kuching, life is like too simple, all we do is eat and drink, and sometimes have a walk, then there'll be the cinderella's alarm and we have to run home. so the coming santubong trip is really something to look forward to!! stay overnight talking gossips and have some pillow talks or just lie down to enjoy the stars. the last last trip with kuching buddies i remember was the one at gunung gading, then that valentine's at my house. friends. friends. friends. i miss you all babehs!!!!!! X,X,X,X,X,X,X!!!! HEAR ME NOT???

GO GO GO!!!

it's their day to go on stage!! you cant imagine that kind of pressure, even though i know that you cant pressure the kids too much, but still hope they can really perform their best and let those fussy parents have a 'wow' feeling. it was such a busy night and kinda tiring, cold sweat. but once all was over, i feel so so relieved!! one group was abit cacated, but my was somehow fantastic!:):):) bravo!!! i just felt like my spirit was with them the whole night, and when i see the whole group dancing the first dance i fully choreographed, i just feel 'wow'. haha. heehee. hoho. it was the best dance for the junior group. very happy, very satisfied, very proud:)

PTC

it's PTC again. the day i have to talk till my saliva is dry, and open my ears to hear all kinds of funny stories. meeting parents can make me feel so self-satisfied and happy, but some parents just make me feel like strangling them!! out of 10, 9 are good at least this semester. happy that they like me and tell me how their children talk about me at home. all these are interesting, and sometimes you dont realise what you actually spontaneously did or said, but these little angels just remember all those little stuffs!! today, i finally announced that i'd be leaving next year, as most of them asked if i'd be bringing this group up to N2. it feels really nice to be praised, and being praised is definitely not only a child's wish, haha. but when praised they talk to me about the negatives of my co-workers, and start comapring...this feels bad...well, a few of them wished me best of luck for my future undertakings, and i hope i can be a real someone someday:) i'll miss those lil angel and devils again, wherever i go. i just wonder which child will leave the most memories for me after maybe 10years? haha.

他与她

我竟然为了这么小的事情哭了......他只是把我电话藏起来，还把它换成无声！这天我发着烧心情也够烦，回到家去厨房拿水，记得电话明明在凳子上却不见了，很认真的找，打好多次都没声音，后来小弟不小心露出一点点笑，一气之下什么都不理很大步的跑上房间哭。很多画面在我脑海里越哭越厉害，总觉得他对她不够好，邮电不放心。刚好她进来，我躲在枕头下，不想让她为难。电话终于由小弟送来了，无辜的他被我大喊一顿，他委屈的说“不是我”。我知道啦。我气他这么小气，我气他不够认真，我气他总是让她哭！我要她很很幸福......他真的给得到吗？

work so hard for what?!!

who appreciates you for working so hard? i feel so silly at times though i love my job. im so tired. really tired. have no time at all for myself. so fully dedicated to work. stupid not? should learn to be less responsible like those ppl!

bolat-ness and 感动-ness

bolat-ness of a happy little girl:) i was beat then, but receiving the news of getting a place in AUT definitely brightened me up!! unknowingly someone actually googled bolatness and teased me so long over it. yrrrrr.
today i've been reading about childhood cancer almost all day, reading some interesting stuffs, reading some real life touching stories---how some failed while others survived, watching youtube and how those children fought against cancer, how those parents face their own cencerous kids everyday. it's sad. and also many many organizations which are actually really putting in an effort to help. i want to be a member in this voluntary field one day, but i'll find which i have the real passion for, where im able to do something really useful, rather than only symphatizing ppl...it's what they hate. i really do admire those ppl who helped unconditionally with all their heart...
doing assignments have been abit out of touch...and i kind of lost the mood. but i finally found something i have been looking for ever since i started this project! clicking from one site into another and another and another........and finally you found the thing you want. that feeling...ever so 感动！感动-ness of a puffy-eyed girl @.@ i need a rest now.

love-doughnut

i just couldnt take the smell. i skipped lunch to just come back to have my cool shower. traffic jam. i had 10mins to shower and change, 10mins to eat my biscuits, talked to nai, then rush back to work. havent even got time to sayang Bibi which just got back from the vet. Her eyes were looking at me as if i didnt want to care about her:( it was so so tiring when i got back to work i feel like vomitting, yet still feeling the hunger... at a glance on the trolley, i thought i saw my name. "T. Angie" was written there on the BIG APPLE packet, from Hans. a cheese doughnut was inside. i was so touched at that moment... though i'm not a super fan of doughnuts!! once in awhile i do get something from him, but at that moment it just seemed like heaven. later in the evening, i thanked his mom for the first time as i usually only said it to Hans. only i knew that Hans kinda 'forced' her to buy things for me? gosh... hmm...how should i deal with this? it's a good and bad thing ler......

studying abroad really needs a lot of money. it's scary to count and convert. always knew that money is important, but really realised the importance of money this year round. it's really like what ppl say, no money no talk. cant travel, cant buy house, cant feed children, cant enjoy a luxurious life, ok better say indulging life...cant this cant that. i really really salute to daddy and mummy, never too rich, but being able to raise us 5 and providing us a comfortable life with infinity love is more than anything in the world!!

三个字.难说吗?

我爱你是多么清楚多么坚固的信仰
我爱你是多么温暖多么勇敢的力量
我不管心多伤不管爱多慌不管别人怎么想
爱是一种信仰把我带到你的身旁

谢谢你的温柔
我会把你种在我心中
也许某天会终于再次长出一个梦
不知道不明了不想要
为什么我的心
明明是想靠近却孤单到黎明

再冲动一点点我就不闪躲
不过三个字别忧虑这么久
只要你说出口
你就能拥有我

一定要那三个字吗
还没决定往哪走
才所以不能答应你陪我
怕你会变成我
想着想着 我还是没信心说出口
对不起

傻瓜...别在意那些话.我不会再要你说了.
等你有天想说你自然会说...我没什么.

想着你的黑夜
想着你的容颜
反反复复孤枕难眠
告诉你一样不成眠
告诉我你也盼我出现

究竟我是怎么了 怎么了
难道爱一个人真的有错吗
虽然爱一个人很苦 可我还渴望一点爱
我怎么了 苦了吗
竟然爱她爱到那么施舍
痛到最后苦了以后 也快乐