明年你还爱我吗？

another april is here:)

April has always been one of my favourite months, and i always think that my birthday is one of my favourite events every year! hehe. never expecting anything big, but all the little surprises could just brighten my days soooo much! haha. who wouldnt like surprises? just how you see it, and appreciate it;) and never will i forget daddy and mummy on this special month. mum's turning 50 this year!! how fast.

practicum was just over. it's my favourite practicum so far, and i finally had the guts to ask to be a reliever of the centre! woohoo!! CHEERS Angie! had been thinking about this since sem1, but it never felt right. i always trusted my senses;) think i did pretty ok this time round, but still loads to learn! jiayouu!! hope they call me for relieving soon!! dont ruin my little hopes...

i just felt like indulging myself tonight. i gotta feeling, woo~ woo~~ enjoyin' BROWN BROTHERS MOSCATO in my own quiet room now. heheh;) half bottle gone. if i stay awake still, i dunno if i can keep the next half!

sometimes i think, i'm really thankful to meet liek "really good ppl" or "really good friends" everywhere i go. every stop is quite meaningful, and no doubt there were hard times but mostly were memories to cherish:) i've learnt so much all these years, and really hope all goes well for the next two years of uni life. there's this special light i see every time, but it still seems quite far away. i just wonder when i'll be able to touch it.

:) i like to be positive, and always believed that the good will come. just because i am me. :)

confessions.

我忽略了曾经是很要好的几个朋友。
朋友一年比一年多，除了家人、飞机们和璇燕，很时常就不经意地忽略了其他也曾经是很要好的朋友...时间好像不够分给那么多人，而我的潜意识好像就认定那几个几乎天天都在一起的她们才是重要的人。偶尔会想起那些其他人，但有时就连一封信息也懒得发！我都还记得跟他们渡过的那些快乐时光，但分开久了话题也少了，感情淡了么？很多时候，我们说长大了，有些事情不用说的，只要感受就好，这句话绝对是错的。话还是得说的，真心与否呢，我相信当阅读者或听众的能感受得到的：）

我偷看过两个人的日记。
第一个人，她对我真的很重要很重要。看着她难过伤心又什么也不说，我很心疼。我知道她伤心的时候会拿出她的日记本写下心情，而那日记刚好就摆在眼前。她没写很详细，但我懂了她为什么伤心，也懂了她为何这么坚持。默默地祝福她，也用了另外一种方式当她的精神支柱。
第二个人，她开了一篇她写的部落格却叮咛我不可以看她的其它文章。好奇心太强，我隔天就开了，竟然出现这么多自己的名字。吓到。我看了两三篇有些感动...而她，是其中一个我渐渐忽略的朋友。

我对MSL好残忍。
从来没有对一个人这么残忍过。该说的一年前都说了。该给他的伤害也应该都给完了。对一个还算陌生的人他怎么能一坚持就三年？我的铁石心肠居然接受不了那一份坚持，而唯一能做的，就是不回信不听电话，完全当个冷血动物！希望他快点找到幸福，不要让我继续当坏人了：（

我在逃避现实。
还有两年，但第一年过去了，第二年感觉上过得好快好快。不想想也该想了。毕业后不年轻了，要怎样啊？五年前写了〈矛盾离开我〉，至今还找不到正确的答案，很懊恼。我还在等待奇迹。

A new year already. 2010.

2009--i felt i was younger again being a student, as compared to 2008, as a working lady. As usual ppl i met are either elder or younger, i kind of became young again with them, but with more wisdom;) this year in NZ, couldn't say i was tough enough to not miss home, and being so far away from home, i really felt how nice it is to have a huge family! Friends here are nice, and we all accompanied each other through this year, made it less lonely. We had fun and crazy times, but somehow i just couldn't find the homey feeling of being with my aerobuddies and subang buddies. it just felt different.


this board has accompanied me through the year in my little room in ASV, with all the people i love very, very much. my dearest family. my forever aeros. 这些年那些人which was stolen from yeh as i thought it was a really nice phrase to use. of cos not forgetting yaya, as i just found a pict with her recently. my special board has also caught much attention, heeha, and my roon became everyone's comfy room to chill and for pillow talks...

but anyways, without these NZ buddies here, i dont know if i can bear the year away from home! people here seem to come and go, come and go, and there's like not enough time to even really build a close relationship:(

This is the newest picture in my room:) toast for 2009! and thanks to my NZ buddies for the considered-great-year:) my new room is newly decorated, but no camera to take photos:(

almost all the faces in this pict are singles. and LONELINESS has become a one of the main topics. is it the age? is it the place? the people? or just us ourselves? ppl seem to start getting worried. sometimes i really wonder if i'm always falling for the wrong ones, and wrong ones fall for me. it's sad if this lasts forever! It never worked out with xm though he's really nice, yet we're so cool about it. yesterday can be ignored like nothing has ever happened. we dont really talk about it yet we kinda have a conclusion. we just know it's wrong to be together. maybe he's just meant to be my 恩人，from the first day i met him till now. and for two years now i still think that THAT stupid HIM is 'the one', but DAMN he's so not worth it and we never even really started. what we feel is not always correct, but it's just there, extremely confusing and frustrating. it felt like a love-hate-relationship, yet i never and never will have the courage to say it to him. why live such a silly life. damn.

ah well, 2 more years in NZ. somehow, i got a feeling i'll be going home. i feel that Malaysia is where i really belong, and where i can be my real real self. but well, hopefully for the next two years, life would be better than 2009, where love shone from home, the green beam which always seemed like an encouragement telling me "GO gie! be tough and move on!", the yellow beam which somehow seemed to be able to heal some wounds, and the blue beam which was always there to support whenever needed, and of cos, the red beam which has to try to shine itself with its own brightness!!!!

Life is still great with the LOVES OF MY LIFE.

May 2010 tiger year be filled with more smiles and laughters, great health and everything goes as smoothly as possible:)

yellow teeth 'n' coffee

i'm trying to brush my teeth now everytime after drinking coffee. haha so troublesome especially after already applying moisturizers, but it does help abit i think. after you brush and spit, the coffee colour comes off. haha erm.

i cut my own hair after 3days of cravings to cut hair. felt abit more shuang, but of course cant compare like in kch, sien then can go wash hair or have a trim. that feeling then is really shuang.

went to the beach 2times in 3days just to enjoy the freaking cold breeze. haha. ppl socialise at school or at work, dogs socialise at the beach. incredibly many dogs!

may i have a lil bit more adventurous frens, other than shopping and eating. i'm broke liao la.

i love home i miss home

when i feel so stressed i just felt like calling mummy. it feels so nice to talk to mummy when i'm stressed. she just kinda have that special magic to reduce stress. i dont have to complain. you'll get to talk very little when talking with mummy, cos she'll be the one talking loads. but her stories from home always make me happy and want to hear more. i actually missed home if i did not call home like 3days, cos mum conditioned me to be like that? haha. if i din call, she'll sms and ask me why no news. but last week was the longest, one week we did not even sms or call, so busy. until i finally got mum's sms n"my dear oh seem years we no sms n call what is so busy down there. mum and dad are busy but can cope. call if can very miss". made me wanna cry suddenly. oh how i miss home!
well, now's all good. just that my 考试恐惧症 is conquering me again. good luck gie!

what love means to you?

when someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. you just know that your name is safe in their mouth.

love is what makes you smile when you're tired.

love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.

i know it's over, still i cling.

is it really over?
i dont know i dont know I DONT KNOW!!!
i really wished i knew:(

the more i told myself not to think, the more i think and think.
it just never gets off my mind.
how come? since when it became like that? WHY?

i wish i can put myself in a blank state now.
but what's the point?
here i am, still clinging.
how stupid.
HOW LIAO?????

“思念”

我心里嘀咕，嘴巴却一声不吭，
我知道，思念这庸俗的字眼，
将如阳光下的黑影，
我逃他追。。。我追他逃。。。

all well except the weather!

another month has gone. and it still feels like yesterday! what have i done??

well i had the craziest times battling with three dreadful assignments due on the same day! Joi and I concluded that this kind of last-minute-habit adds excitement to life, and thus should not be executed. life is meant to be thrilled aint it? enjoy that moment when the burden is put off your shoulders, wowh, how wonderful!!

i've been having dates with the physio. never knew my balancing skills were that bad, but improving now. i'm practising hard mien! cos i'm so scared to sprain my ankle again, worst spraint i've ever got. one month already still got swelling and pain. sniff sniff.

i realised how poisonous some friends can be. really scary. just dont ever judge anyone from what you hear or see the first time. know a person well enough to judge him or her!!

the weather is almost unbearable and since i started feeling it i never stopped complaining YET!!! but have a taste of wearing singlet and shorts going into the hot pools and getting out of the water again. woosh!! you cant even find your own fingers and toes! climb up the stairs wobbly and scream the way down the hydroslide, yippee!!! i love that!!

this year my whole birthday month was extremely filled with surprises, getting those unexpected mails and wishes. yea i definitely miss all my friends and family back home. one thing i gotta mention is mummy and nainai's 爱心 bolster cover. of all cartoons and characters, they must choose 'Hello Kitty'!! haha. when i received it, i can just say, it's the first time in my life i thought 'hello kitty' was cute, and now i even have to hug kitty to sleep every night! amusing but yeah. dont want more kitty-s.

one week's practicum over. coping well with culture diversity. interesting experience. two more weeks to go. yo! gambate angie-des!!! kapai!!!

in times when i'm so helpless

unable to comfort a friend who's in great depression and guilt.
unable to just type out an essay and be free from stress.
unable to walk like normal still.
unable to eat the food and pearl milk tea i crave for.
unable to just call anyone on my list and have a good chat now.
unable to keep my feet warm and nice though i put layers on it already.
unable to read minds. (wished life wouldnt fool ppl around.)
unable to find a broad shoulder to lean onto just to feel a sense of belonging.

twenty-three!

i thought birthday 2009 would be so boring at this new place. but it turned out to be kinda WOW! :)
Friends can make you feel so warm and homey when you're so far away from home. i was so touched when the ASV girls gave me this surprise party when everyone's in pyjamas. haha. we're all covered in and choking due to baking powder and chocolate rubbed on all our faces but it was such fun although i sprained my lousy ankle.

i had to skip all my classes on my bday cos i couldnt even stand well when i woke up. it was so swollen! the next thing i'm like a cacat-ed person unable to walk and there badge-mates took turns visiting with pressies. woosh.

unable to attend the popping-battle as planned:( cant bare to limp in the cold cold rain!

Angie's and Becky's planned bday party. we started 10+pm, playing cards and eating snacks and drink. More and more ppl joined until 'the palace' was filled with about 20ppl. everyone was high. everyone was drunk. first time in life i drank so much. i banged my head several times. i ate lemon like sweet orange. i swallowed tap water. i think i took crazy photos with some ppl i just got to know. i must be drunk. but still made sure i stayed conscious, maybe phoebia of seeing drunk ppl. so yah, 9th april was filled with laughters and i felt so loved.

we drank throughout the night and i think the apartment was freakin' noisy cos everyone was talking and laughing in such uncontrollable loud voice! suddenly 'piang!' and blood. i suddenly kinda woke up from my drunken spirit but still bit blur. yah then came security, paramedic, ambulance police. and our party ended around 3am 10th april, with everyone half-drunk half-blur half-shocked. argh!

so i still remember 9th april as a sweet and lovely day. of cos never forgetting dad's bday also on the same day. calls from home, msgs and wishes from kuching buddies, cards and parcels. all so sweet, all so dear:)

i love my family, i love my friends, i love myself!

THANK YOU for making my day so speciaL!!!!

TWENTY-THREE ain't bad at aLL!!! :D:D:D

a STRONGER me

woo...i've been in NZ for exactly one month plus one week now! "fluctuating weather, fluctuating emotions, fluctuating health, fluctuating stress and fun!" is how i should describe the life here! experiencing new culture, new friends, new lifestyle. guess i'm doing ok? after the first 3weeks of trouble, i'm stronger now!!

In Malaysia, i'll say "I'm Chinese."
In NZ, i say "I'm Malaysian." Never knew i could feel so proud to say that i'm a Malaysian. it feels special. hoho. i love my country. very much:)

Some quotes i find interesting:)

"I love deadlines. I like the whoosing sound they make as they fly by." ---Douglas Adams
YE'A... RIGHT!!!

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." ---Phyllis Diller
THAT'S A CHALLENGE!!

"I am no chameleon, for i only wanted to be myself, out of habit and instinct."
I LOVE THIS. I LIKE MY REAL-SELF, AND I WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME FOR WHO I REALLY AM:)

inexpressable nervousness.

still chinese-new-year-ing. wanna fully utilise my 15days. seems like i wont be back celebrating cny the next three years!! sniff sniff.
the days to fly are drawing near. ask me why nervous? i dunno also, just nervous. like everything so new...maybe settled too long in kuching, abit lost in touch with the adventurous-daring-self.
like still so many things to get done, not enough time.
speechless.

10:10 FEEL GOOD TIME!! :)

sudden thoughts, sudden feelings =.=

"Thank you for passing my sms skills. So proud to know that i have improved. You see a little praise can elevate one to heaven sense! Ha ha. That's how our litte children feel dont forget - it's our only magic spell that works wonders. Glad you like the scarf, mummy is always there to keep you warm! bye love, mummy ju"-- 24.12.08
just suddenly missing you, mummy. during times when i needed somebody to understand my thoughts and some encouragement to move on, you'll always be in mind. how i miss your hug right now!

it has been quite long since i dreamt of dearest ahMah. but the scene aint good. wonder how life is heaven is. hope ahMah is all well up there. i miss you too, ahMah :* :*

"One lives in the hope of becoming a memory."
i dont call this greed. everyone wants to be and deserves to be remembered. no matter family or friends who are near or far, we still want to be remembered. we are so used to hiding our feelings, making ourselves so humble and all. but i still do agree that actions speak louder than words. we need to do something to let ppl know what we're thinking. where are YOU??? what is your weird mind thinking??! owh!

~~ dreams ~~

I look into the sky and what do i see?

A castle, a rainbow, and dreams for me.

I struggled through the days of being lonely,

Yet everywhere i go, there kindness is waiting for me.

I know my passion and direction,

And there's my persistence and determination.

I'm stepping into the battlefield to fight,

For my dream to come in real sight!

byebye 2008!

this new year's eve was rather calm. i chose to stay at home. mum wanted to eat out, but in the end us girls decided to just get something from outside and cook the rest. have a nice dinner at home rather than squeezing with the crowd, finding for a place to park and sit! it was a nice feeling having your clothes stained with the smell of the cooking oil, the heat coming out from the pans, the sound and scent once you throw something inside the wok.... and guess mommy has forgotten how wonderful it is for mother and daughter to be in the kitchen, preparing dishes for the family... i really miss that though i never told her. last time at Kenyalang, there was so much freedom we could be so ourselves, in our long-long-connected-rooms. it was small but it feels more like a real home....

new year resolutions? i never had that tradition only when i was forced to write an essay about it. haha.

but this coming 2009, study smart, work hard, play hard!
a new challenge, a new me:)

my vacation 15.12.08 - 24.12.08

my vacation is over. 9 days. over. these nine days were so so fully packed, meeting all different gangs of buddies. really do miss them all!! even accidentally got to meet my ex-kids and get a few more extra hugs, haha.
为了给自己一个答案,我居然答应了见他,一直以来就是需要这种肯定心里才会安心.我自己决定自己放弃很自私不公平但我还能怎样...你说我残忍我想太多我逃避我不给自己机会.你才是,这么固执!我真的不会处理善后,但真心希望你会过得好好的.我真的很好很好.
meeting mexen and yen next was a really nice feeling i dunno how to explain. it's like back to w-3years back, being in subang. we had the craziest moments together, taking the silliest pictures but enjoying ourselves so much. it felt like we were flying when we're at the cable car, then walking along the bridge. until almost when it's coming back from langkawi, can feel the tense situation like few years back also. im again in the middle. but it was ok after we got back in KL again. phew.
那晚跟璇在Bintang Walk喝星巴克绿茶冰沙,聊到不知天不知地,感觉好像以前半夜和奶茶聊心事,很温馨.聊到不想回酒店了.半夜在那两条街上半夜漫步,一点也不清静,超多人的!我们手牵手的就像小孩很舍不得隔天就分开.很多很多的秘密就只有你我知道.因为告诉你感觉最舒服了.想念你了.
then i met mummy ju. i called her mummy, for the first time after she acknowledged herself as mummy to me. it felt warm, it felt nice. it's her who always gives me that hug, the firm firm hug. it's our only magic that works wonders. yes mummy, i'll always remember:)
and jamie, i've always wanted a little sister when i was young. but never knew you could click to me so well. haha. learn to be yourself, dont force yourself too hard. you're good for who you are!! i always feel so "old" when i talk to you, cos you always make me give advices like these.........
wai nee, inn shin, thanks for helping:)
then i met saji. staying at her house was a total new experience. i felt at home, and it's some kind of feeling i desire to have at my own house... all to yourself. though i do not understand what they're talking when they started their Punjabi lah. haha. best college friend now, and also first friend inDIka. dunno why did WL avoid all of us for no reason at all!! thanks leng leng for meeting in a rush. and it was nice of christie to bring us to Asia Cafe. i really miss that place. hoho.
then all nine days were just gone like that. so fast. im back in kuching again. and i lost 2kg. hahaha. exhausted.

another christmas!!

looking at my profile pict right beside here, another christmas is already coming!!! last year 2007 i was excitedly exploring each malls in KL, comparing which has the most impressing atmosphere for christmas. and ended up i liked almost all as each of them gives me a different "wow" feeling. this year 2008, im creating my own atmosphere in school and my class, and trying to provide my kids with the most unforgettable xmas experience, and actually for the benefits of myself...these few last days in LL, i already miss them^.^ but... im still going to repeat last year's routine...hehehe...KL, wait for me!!! oh yah, and i just realised to be a handsome Santa, you really need the tummy!!! im still too thin for the costume. wakaka:D

12/12. again with departures. photo-shootings, huggings, kissings, partying and pressie-ing. it's my last day of official working day with the kids, and that feeling...so heavy. we had a meeting, when ms. tan gave everyone a mystery treasure hunt xmas pressie, unpredictably all handbags. from ms. tan??!! handbags mien!! so not her. and me, she said cos im leaving, i dont deserve to have one. she's been "bullying" me the whole day... until everyone got theirs, only she said there's another farewell gift. and there, i had mine. they all were expecting me to cry i think, cos they've seen me hugging the kids here and there the whole morning. but stiff-heart-angie, did really feel her heart pumping, beating faster and dripping inside, just that the tears usually are so brave they dont roll out. "issit good or bad" is no longer a question to ask, cos that's the inner uncontrollable angie.

but one thing, putting departures aside, i actually dont think i can really settle in one place for a long long time... it's always challenging to work in a whole new alien place, and when you finally get the smooth flow and the hang of it, it's time to leave and start a new life all over again. maybe it's because for the 3-4yrs i've been working, this has been my style. complaining is just to reease tension. but yah, i like new stuffs:) and i like what im doing. so yah, for the next 3years, i hope something special is waiting for me to venture!! a-boooo-kit!!!