脑的部落克

心口闷闷的
鼻子酸酸的
告诉眼睛想哭就哭
不要强忍
可是理智骂我为什么要眼睛哭
心又不会痛

眼泪不想听理智的话
可是眼睛却听它的话
拼命把眼泪眨回去
心告诉眼泪：“我很坚强，我会好好的。”

眼泪回答：
“你听过雨过天晴吗？
雨，会带走地面的灰尘，让空气更清新。
我只想把你表面上那像灰尘的‘痛’带走。
虽然我不一定能把所有的‘痛’都带走，
但至少你会感觉到自己轻了很多，很多......
这样你也会更坚强。”

心说：
“你说得对，但就是这些‘痛’才能让我知道自己会有多坚强。”

眼泪拿心没办法
只好什么都不做

其实，心知道眼泪是怎样都洗不掉这些‘痛’的
因为心的表面在之前所受的种种伤害而破了好多的洞
这些‘痛’早已掉进这些洞，
在这5年里和‘快乐’一起慢慢的添满整颗心
满到没地方添了所以才铺满心的表面
就算眼泪能洗掉这些‘痛’，它也不想让眼泪这么做
因为它不想连‘快乐’也被洗掉
它知道只有‘爱’和‘时间’才能把这些‘痛’化成‘回忆’
所以......

它要开始寻找‘爱’和 ‘时间’......

I always so spontaneously push my way into the circle but sometimes i am met by turned backs.
Disappointed as i can be, desperate as i can be, but i just like things the way they were (or should be).
I cannot bear being one of those easily forgotten people, so important at the time, so special, so influential, and so treasured, yet years later just a vague face and a distant memory...

在梦中的我是清醒的...
感到安慰，却有点酸酸的感觉。
醒着的我反而比较糊涂...
但糊涂人总会有一种莫名的幸福 : )
我一直都这么相信的。

新年快乐！
哇，今天真的好累哦。竟然在巴士上睡着，差点就下不了车！还敲到头，害那位坐我隔壁的应该吓到一下，不过心里一定在笑！哼！没有力没有力~~不过最近又回到那个不想吃的时期...惨了。最近又总是下雨，天天要走路搭巴士咧，又麻烦又肮脏又讨厌！！
功课又超级多，完蛋。
工作又要全全负责，想干又不想干。（虽然是很有成就感啦）
这几个月总是晚上有课，显显显。（可是有机会跟朋友癫一下啦）（隔天就惨，像今天）
曾经想过要发神经病一天。一天就好。不管别人怎样看我。

Today i went Kenyalang alone, wanting to look for photo albums of 'my series'. really hard to find la. it wasn't in totally good condition but i was so desperate to get one, so i just bought it. then i asked if there's "HEART" a malay movie, which i felt like watching for some time already...got it. craving for my 菜包 at Yong Kwong, but don't have :( want to drink the 4-layer teh-si-peng, but dowan to drink alone. so juz bought a 叉烧包 and drove to school coz joo said he might be late. ended up reach too early, so went lunch with Wang. kena tipu pula, make me drive to Crown Square which is renovating, no food! so went Hock Lee to eat...hmm...

today, at 4th floor, when it's so quiet, i started thinking a lot again. aiks. i'm not so ready yet actually. i thought i was after cooling down for a few months already. i'm still not willing to talk about it with others, and chose to casually get thru it...let time decide their answers. yea, that's what i'll do, though i dunno which is better. why are things always not as easy as i thought?

Yay, i'm back home! i've been counting down since the 19th day! And once i arrived last Sunday, dad asked me when i'm going to KL again. i was so annoyed, and i refused to answer. "hey D, i juz got back!! and you ask me when i'm leaving?! dowan answer you lah!" then they all started laughing. in the plane the guy sitting beside me was kinda talkative, so i actually wasn't bored. haha.

back home here like got so many things to do, and so many activities coming up! it's already like not enough time!! some important things e.g. family trip has not been planned as this time it's near christmas & everyone seems to be busy... it's so nice meeting up with old frens again, especially the aeroplanes. we're even planning a pillow-talk-night already. one for 3, one for 4. green is not back yet. i'm really thankful to have friends so dear like them... again, muaks.

this time i come back, i feel a deeper love for CJ. haha. poor thing i think he's getting too much of nagging that's why he's so rebellious. dunno when will this cute brother grow up!! haha, he's taller than me now, and his voice is no longer the baby CJ! haha, but i like him more now. hehe. he's jsut as innocent as his silly sister, but uses his brain 69% less. kakaka. this Ben leh, hmm...shud say he's grown up now, and more jaga his sisters after having a gf! hmmm... i'm not too bad too, bringing his gf around today..hmmm... soon it'll be another distance relationship... good luck... it's just all so called fate. Rong is as irritating as before, so the very clingy and sticky and naughty and noisy. goodness sake, bear all the other kids but this little brother!!!!! haha.

today my eyebrows changed. ad tmr i might have a totally different look. it all depends on my mood tmr!! i just hope to look good. arghh...dowan to see a weird me...kakaka... i told them i wanna go to a saloon and say "i want a permed hairstyle that is easy to handle, nice, and must look young one." then they started laughing. why wor? aiyo...not used to look too matured la. i'm excited. and scared. but more excited.

Again I’m confused. Oh dear. In all aspects I seem to be (erm…lost for words…) somehow, there’s like too many decisions to make. Every little decision leads to a different life. I don’t know which things I should let go. Sometimes I feel that I make things complicated. Sometimes I feel that I talk a lot but never really expressed what I really want to say. Gosh, 〈遇见〉just played, once my so very favourite song. I think I can dream on for the rest of the day now…too many things in my head now, stars are flying all above. I need therapy.

Why would mama sometimes make things so difficult? I haven’t cried for so long. I’ve tried my best to make myself conscious of what is actually happening around me. I’m so known the happy girl and I like to make things less complicated. But somehow things are turned upside down and many things just so unexpectedly happen. I used to think that life was like a roller coaster but now I think it is worse. At least you can shout throughout the ride on a roller coaster and after that everything is back to normal. But in real life, you just have to eat up all the problems until you feel too full. Then you need to burp hard to release some burden! There it comes. I just burped. I’m so the confused now. I wish there’s somebody totally out of the way to talk to. Drink a memory loss potion? Hahaha. I think that is worse. I treasure memories. A lot. I wonder if I ever gave them good memories as well…

YO!!! my blog deserves some happy stuffs!! now i read some of my posts it's like so depressing. what the hell? what has happened to me la?? hehe, counting down these days....13 more days!! and i'll be back home with my dearest bed, and now i can call my toilet at home 'dearest' too!! yindeh said i could kiss it after what i've experienced here, but no thank you la. it's enough to let it be my throne, and i can sit there dreaming. hehehe :> the family president has called, and the motivator is on her mission!! but things are not confirmed yet...

now another half year has passed...and that means my life's gonna change again!! gonna say byebye to Starbucks soon...i'm happy & sad...haizz...but i promised not to write sad stuffs today!! so let's say what i'll miss...i'll miss curi-curi pouring our own drinks with partners without letting the managers see, i'll miss shouting the long long names of the drinks i used to think was so hard to call when i first joined, e.g. "i have a Venti-Hazelnut-Low Fat-Light Whipped-Signature Hot Chocolate" or a "Grande Toffeenut Less Sweet Frappuccino Blended Coffee"...haha...and what else...i'll miss mixing with those crazy ppl who's always saying the F word whom i think does not belong to my gang...i'll miss being at the counter meeting weird weird customers, making me laugh :D:D i'll miss coffee tasting when we sit down together, guys evaluating girls body & girls looking for leng-zhai(s). leng-zhais are really rare here!!! pathetic. but a good guy is kinda extinct now. haha.

btw, i might become a supervisor?? haha. dunno yet. i've been looking for so many jobs and houses, but whenever i wanna call, my heart still thumps so fast! goodness sake. anyways, since i announced today to be a happy day, i'm eating dinner with "my dear" bangla. hahaha. wish me luck ;)

我忽然很想学手语 跟哑巴约会
暂时让世间所有的声音藏在耳后
安静的世界里 就只有我和他

D: Sometimes it's better to remain single, coz it's happier that way.
G: But somehow, it's a nice feeling to love and feel being loved...
D: Ya...but a relationship actually gives us more sadness than happiness.
G: But that little happiness can really cover all the sadness.
D: Dunno what guys are thinking la, why can't they just berterus-terang?!
G: Yalo, guys memang unpredictable. We still want to know although sometimes we don't feel like knowing.
D: Scared just because of loneliness, i just go for the wrong guy as he comes along.
G: I scared i'll be like that, but i don't want that to happen lar...
D: Sometimes we just have to let go.
G: But it's really so so hard......

今晚刚好穿着绿衣绿裤还喝着热热的绿藻麦片
坐到腰酸背痛又不想睡觉一连看了六集的连续剧
现在又莫名其妙有股很想乱写东西的冲动
整晚不知怎的消化系统太过良好吃进去就排出来害我总是觉得肚子很饿很想吃东西
最爱的零食找了又找好像不再上市可是却没特别欲望想买其它零食
应该说是只对那零食有特别欲望害我现在不能猛吃发泄一顿
最近习惯吃些健康水果还有以前最讨厌的这些麦片饮料
还学会了喝不加糖的黑咖啡虽然还不是很会享受它浓浓又香醇的味道啦
最近也把想念的人一个个轮流放在电脑荧幕上
选择把想念藏起来的绝对不会是我因为我会死命看死命想个够想到不知要想什么才好
之后就会爽一点还会笑自己笨蛋因为自己刚刚无理取闹胡思乱想
会想过去会想最荒唐根本不可能发生的东西就是没想那个未知数的未来
我的未来真的很模糊更惭愧的是连自己要什么也不知道
总是一幅单纯笨蛋的样子每天只会期盼大家快乐真是有点荒谬
只会给人说我头脑直直的不得不帮我弄些凹凸又不是我想要的有本事就弄歪我吧
哎哟现在好希望有一个人就在我背后帮我捶捶背不然帮我搓搓身上不知哪来的一二三四五粒会痛的黑青
二零零六年十月二十一日凌晨三时五十九分赖佩雯有点sot了
不要做梦只要睡觉

有時候看戲看到戲里的主角就好像看到自己
看她那副傷心但還一直笑可是不是裝笑的樣子
看她的處事方式笨蛋百痴的好像在傷害自己
看她不知不覺傷害了自己但又阻止不了自己那麼做因為就是太好心要壞也壞不起來
看她總是深呼吸然後笑給沒有人看但還是以笑安慰自己
看她明明不開心但笑好像就是一種最強的藥可以解掉一點點毒
看她喜歡跟人分享快樂因為快樂是她生命中排行第一的

看她在家裡在外面簡直就是兩個人
寫信給學長時好像世界末日了害學長擔心到要死
學長看到她她卻若無其事一笑遮天
學長覺得莫名其妙似懂非懂
可是她不管不管不管別人怎麼想
看了她我也不管不管不管
還是覺得這樣的我最適合我了
我就是這樣傻呼呼的我嘛還能怎樣

Delayed blogs>>>>

8/9/2006
I feel stupid :(
I don’t know what I’m thinking.
Still dreaming.

9/9/2006
Boring class. Had a presentation and I was like on stage alone for 15mins, and Jegi joined for another 35mins. Dunno why the lecturer got so much to talk, but he’s good la.

10/9/2006
Terribly boring as well. Same lecturer for 2 days!! The eight of us planning to ponteng class next next Saturday. Will be damn obvious eh? Haha. That 4 sure lah. Other 2 need to attend coz absent few times liao. Me and WLing leh, always ended up to be good girls. So we’re deciding to be naughty this time. Will it work?? Haha.

11/9/2006
Nightmare. He appeared. He said he wasn’t coming!! I was like so freaked out seeing him so early in the morning once I start work holding the till. Thanks to him I got so many voids, coz of nervousness!! Hope I won’t need to write a report tomorrow. Shite. From now onwards, every Monday will be a nightmare… help!!!!!!! I hope the other days will remain safe. Goodness sake, why meet a scary guy like that?!

16/9/2006
Wow…it’s like having the past two days with two big sisters! How nice :) feel homey. So homey. And really eat a lot. Haha. But I bloody dunno how I would fall down at the airport!! So embarrassing. Worst thing I was wearing my jeans but still my knee was hurt. Ouch. And it looks yucky :(
Today at college the lecturer really looked like Aunty Denert. Miss her so much when I looked at the lecturer. So I non-consciously kept looking at her, and I think she also realised la. I even silly-ly took a photo of her, pretending I was aiming another person. 三姨，such a nice person, but why leave so early?

18/9/2006
我们尝试让彼此差异能隐形
遗憾的是回避不能解决问题
当我疲倦地凝望你憔悴表情
再不舍得 也该让你远离

握你的手
坚持到最后一秒钟
哪怕爱要冰凉了
至少让回忆是暖的
了解比爱难多了
我们都尽力了
也许温柔是停止挽留

握你的手
像耳语轻声说保重
让眼睛就算湿了
不只是痛也有感动
以前每一次挥手
都为了再握手
但这一次
是为了放手

19/9/2006
Why would I dream of this?? Gosh. Two guys on the phone. Both crying. Can’t remember why. And I was attending to…. dunno..... remember I was half shouting, coz so panic. Then?? Mystery discontinued, I woke up. Silly dreamy. Again.

Delayed blogs>>>

28/8/2006
I have always wondered why I usually only sang songs with 'happy' lyrics. I thought it's just me, always liking to be positive. Even when ahMah was going to die, seeing her struggling in her room that night, seeing her anger trying to hold the bottle herself, making her hardest effort to talk but the voice just couldn’t come out, then suddenly the next day she was like normal again. I made myself believe that she'd be ok, feeding her with the 'tang yuan', convincing her that she sure could go through another year being healthy. Denying, denying and denying. We all knew that she would go soon, but half of us were still thinking positive, awaiting miracle. In the end, she went. But in the way she wanted, at home. Peaceful. I remember hearing the last breath, and we all went in one by one to touch her icy hands. Goodness sake, why and how did I come to writing this?? Guess it's the first thing to think about regarding the word 'sad'.

I realised that recently when I start the music in my media player, I skip the songs I used to sing. Now I’m unintentionally looking for songs I've never heard before. Thanks to the CD I bought at Cheras pasar malam that night. I didn't know that it would turn out so useful now, the songs and lyrics just really suits my mood now. Sad but encouraging lyrics. But why had I picked that CD?? As though my sense knew it before me. Recently it's like good days and bad days are quite predictable, 'coz it really turned out like one day good one day bad. So since today(I mean yesterday) is a not so good day, tomorrow(today) will be a good one!! Had the weirdest dream ever too last night. It’s like related to things happening now, not in a way totally out! I wonder what the dream is hinting me...I always wanted to know what my dreams stands for, but most of the time I think it's better not to know. It's like kinda scary to know... less dreams please...

Yen always said I'm always very 'mao-dun'. Yalo, I know.
Mexen always call me not to think so much. Trying not to. But if they appear in my dreams, what can I do?
Kim always said she'll be there to support and share with me my ups and downs. Thanks.
Joo call me to be bad to people to be kind to myself. Hahaha. Hmm...something like that la.
Yeh always call me to 'guai la'. Already very 'guai' liao la.
Saji is someone new I can talk to.
Bear sometimes has magic. i told him. but when i tell him he no magic liao. haha.
Qiang always wish me to be in pink. pink wor.
Ben always call me to jiayou together and sweet dreamzzz. Jiayou ok. I wanna reduce dreaming la.
Ying always call me smile like I always do, and things will sure be better and I'll have a better tomorrow. I still always smile.
I told ma n pa that I miss home.
Pa said if got one week holiday then can go home. But I only got 2days la. But pa very nice to talk to...this year...hehe.
Ma said she can solve every problem that makes my mood bad with pa's help, unless I'm the cause myself. Wah wah wah. But I said I'm the cause and refuse to share. Hoh.

Sandra always said she cannot tahan see me good good girl. I told her I'm already very 'loud' in sbux. She just laugh and shook her head. But I think I know how she's thinking about me. Getting to like her. Hehe. Herry and Baim treats me nice. Sandra & Zana & Regi likes to give me pressure, I feel. But getting used to it. Seldom do people see that I'm sad, but this SuAnn is telling me that I look sad when I'm actually smiling, I don't how she even knew. But in the end I successfully convinced her by being as normal as I can. JooHieng gave me a card and made my day. Syed left his drink for a long time not drinking it coz I pumped his name & a smiley face on it. I found out & laughed at him then he tickled me. Shit, make me got blue-black for knocking the rack. I just passed on what I had on the 2nd day of work when Wilson pumped a big smiley face on my hot chocolate. Always a little thing can make someone's day :)

Half doing assignment. Writing blog. Waiting for the moon(s) to appear. Tipu tipu tipu!!! Cannot even see the real moon, how to see the 2nd moon wor? Ishh... sleepy already la. I would have called some people with excitement if I saw, who cares if you're sleeping!! But disappointment only la...herrrr~ 1:39am

Still can't see moon!! Grrrrrrrr...... sleep liao. 2:09am.


28/8/2006 22:10
I'm at the POS position today when one of my customers suddenly asked me, “Hi how are you? Are you smiling to me coz we talked also that day?” I was like “errmmm...sorry sir but I can't remember...”, feeling bit the guilty but not expecting myself to remember the 'so many' customers. Then he told me, “Haha, it's ok, dun worry. You've got a great smile, keep it up!” hohoho...shy shy...

Another customer asked me the same thing twice. First time I didn't know what he said so I just said hi. Second time he asked me again, and I asked if I could help him. Third time he said louder, “Hi how are you?” hahaha, I was so paiseh...and he was laughing at me. Goodness sake.

There was snapshot today. Scary. Every month there'll be, and we never know when. Just that while working halfway, suddenly you see a flash, then a camera. Then you have to pretend you didn't see it. Gosh. Terrible experience.


29/8/2006 21:29
Regi accidentally kena my waist and I made a funny sound and my body went forward. He thought it was funny and did it again and again, shite. Then once I was drinking water and he did it, and I was running after him and he ran past the bar! Gosh, so embarrassing...luckily no customers. Where got manager macam ni one??

I always look happy? Sometimes I feel that I'm cheating myself, but even the smile just come out like that. When people ask me 'Are you very happy today?' sometimes I dunno how to answer, coz I wasn't really that happy...so I just answered 'It's good to smile!' then the couple just said 'Yeah, you look really happy.' And they smiled too :) well well, I realised that I keep talking about my smiles recently, but people are the ones who keep telling me... sometimes I wish I could change some of the smiles with tears.

I hate it when I have to wait for the bus alone or when I walk back from work. It's the time when my brains keep working! Usually on stupid things, the impossibles...or maybe sometimes the truth, I dunno...sometimes I wish I could dream on, sometimes I wish I would knock my head and wake up ^_^ But life itself is a dream. Good dreams, bad dreams. Imagination has no age. And dreams are forever.


31/8/2006 00:07
Darling it's your birthday. I've another something for you. Just found it tonite and remembered that I saved it for your 24th birthday while seeing my photos just now... it's actually something I wrote like 3 or 4 years back, haha. It's like been years I'm not there to celebrate with you liao... miss you la =.=

Today :) heehee...just counting. For myself. Gonna record everyday, kekeke.

Okies, back to sien sien assignment...while everybody else is out there counting down. I hear fireworks, but can't see wo. Zhun-zhun I'm facing the wall. They're all shouting MERDEKA!!! Walao eh, still got youngsters so cinta Negara one oh. Haha. Reminds me of the 远征 we had to shout Merdeka 10 times at Padang Merdeka. Hahaha.

MERDEKA!!! MERDEKA!!! MERDEKA!!! Hehe...i don't mind shouting this year coz Malaysia's 49 years old!! Beautiful age!! MERDEKA!!!


31/8/2006 22:10
Today at work everyone was really happy. Haha. Perfecto!!
Came yen's place to search internet info, then chat with long lost jac & penny. How nice.


1/9/2006 21:18
I accidentally slept at about 2am after bath and viewing old photos. Woke up 8am sharp with no alarm's help. Feeling really bad. Luckily I remembered it's kim's bday today. It's like few days I'm quite ok already, but the terrible mood is back today. Went to work feeling bad, met a taxi driver yang cakap banyak pula. Wilson said I looked not energetic today. Blah. Also had a jab today. Goodness sake. Why of all days choose today? Needle foebia eh. Went with Boywin the new guy, who's also a needle foebia. Ngai ti. Luckily it wasn't too terrible, but my hand feels abit 'soft' now. He tells us that we can call him Boy, which I think sounds weird if I call him Boy. Chinese who doesn't look Chinese. ChewLing might be leaving soon...the girl who always has a British accent when talking to customers.

Next mission: Stay awake till I finish my assignment. /cry. No choice, tomorrow due ^_^


2/9/2006 3:32
世界有时候孤单的很需要另一个同类
有没有别人跟我一样很想被安慰
我还不清楚怎样的速度符合这世界变化的脚步
用我的双眼在梦想里找路
该问路的时候我不会装酷
下起雨也要勇敢前进
我相信一切都会平息
我现在好想回家去
天黑黑 欲下雨 天黑黑 黑黑
---孙燕姿

Just to release some tension, i guess :>

I’ve always been a baby at home..so dependent on all the people I love, but now I’m forcing myself to be brave..is this right?
I’m actually very scared to face all these circumstances alone…but how else can I act so as not to make my loved ones more worried?
I hate to make decisions, but realised that sometimes I’m actually making a lot of decisions on my own and behalf of others already, and they just follow without complaints. Thanx :)
I hate being the middle-person, but can’t decide on which side to stand on. Maybe i'm too greedy? I hate this me. but i hate conflicts more.
I have problems telling my feelings, but I’m trying hard.
I like my big hand and long fingers, but why some people keep telling me it’s unlucky? Please, you don’t have to tell me. Lucky or unlucky, I’m born to be.
Daddy & mummy is very proud that I’m born on the day I’m born, coz there’re special reasons behind…so of coz I like my birth date too. And my birthdays always seem to be wonderful. I love April.
I’m feeling so cold right now I don’t feel like writing anymore. Better sleep to have more energy to face new challenges tomorrow.
I don't know why i'm writing this, just spontaneously. And very out of topic. Haha.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

I miss my best friends so much...
Life is so devastating without the bestest friends around...
especially during bad times...
Although you know that they're always supporting you,
but still, they're really far far away...
i wish i could feel their presence more...
which means i have to dream more.
aiyo...people ah...people...
why can people miss people so much???

Gie is dowN......

can u believe it? it's the first time in my life i drank a whole can of Heineken beer on my own!! burping non-stop, haha. mum is surprised as i just took a can from the fridge and told her but didn't explain anything. she didn't stop me either. hmmm. i don't know why i'm feelin' like that. well..actually i kinda know too. hai~ ignore this post whoever's reading this. it's just duhh.

Yeah, yeah!!

hehehe!!! just here to announce that i'm going home TODAY!!! Yeah!! Yeah!! i'm so excited!! and still not sleeping in this early morning! only sien that i'm flying alone la...anyways, as long as i'm going home!! That's the priority HAPPINESS :> hohoho